20 Things To Or Ways To Cullen Style
by i.eat.sugar.for.breakfast
Summary: A series of weird things the Cullens have done.
1. 20 Things To Do At WalMart

**Disclaimer: Apparently, you can't buy any of the characters from Twilight on eBay because they're owned by Stephenie Meyer. Trust me, I've tries buying Jasper. They just send you some old guy from Switzerland. Also, if you try to buy Walmart, you get a cardboard bow with Walmart written on the side.**

**This story takes place after Breaking Dawn so Bella is a vampire too.**

"Rosalie! Alice! Eddie! Carlisle! Jasper! Bella! Esme!" Emmett called, "Come here and check this out!" In a flash, seven other vampires were standing in the computer room of the Cullen house. "Don't call me Eddie!" Edward shouted! While Bella calmed him down, Emmett continued talking, "I just found the funnest looking thing ever! 20 Things To Do At Walmart!" "Walmart?" Rosalie scoffed, "That's so immature." "Wait," Alice said, "didn't we already do this?" "No. Anyway, can we please go to Walmart tomorrow and do this stuff?" Emmett looked at Carlisle and Esme hopefully. Esme sighed, "I suppose."

The Next Day: (Jacob and Renesmee tagged along. [Yes, Jacob is fully dressed, sorry girls.])

**Two words: "Marco Polo." Bella and Edward**

"Marco!" Edward shouted, wearing a blindfold he made out of a tie on a nearby rack. "Polo" Bella shouted. Edward, blindly, made his way over to where Bella was standing. "Marco!" Edward shouted again. This time, Bella answered from twenty feet away, "Polo!" Edward tries to catch her. "Marco!" "Polo!" The game went on for five more minutes before Edward finally caught her, "Ha! I got you!"

**Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Alice**

_I'm only doing this one because I'm the only one that will fit._ Alice thought bitterly. She walked to the front of the store and got into one of the electronic cars. She picked the yellow one because it reminded her of her Porsche. After inserting a quarter, the car began to move and Alice faked enthusiasm, "Weeeee! This is my favorite ride!" Everybody going in the doors stopped to stare at the teenage girl in the childrens' ride. After the ride stopper, Alice got out and walked in the store as if nothing had happened.

**Set all the alarm clocks to go off at five minute intervals throughout the day. Emmett**

Emmett got finished setting all the alarm clocks and hid in the next aisle to watch the chaos. The first clock went off and an employee went in to shut it off. After she found it and turned it off, one at the top of the shelf all the way down the aisle went off. At least ten alarms were going off by the time Emmett entered the aisle to "see what was going on." "Umm…excuse me miss?" She looked up at him and blushed, "Please, call me Marilyn." "Okay, Marilyn, do you need some help with those?" "No, no, of course not. I've got it all under control." She finally got all of them turned off and walked to another aisle. About thirty minutes later, the clocks went off again.

**Have a questionable fashion sense and sexuality. Jasper and Emmett**

"Excuse me!" Jasper pushed through the shoppers to get to the girls' clothing section with Emmett right behind him. "Jaspy, wait for me!" They finally got to the area with the most people. Jasper started grabbing XL sized clothing off the racks and throwing them at Emmett. "Jaspy, are you sure these won't make my butt look big?" "Emmy! How could you even think that? Don't you remember what Reynaldo told us?" "Of course I do! 'Never, never, ever think your butt looks big, it's perfect the way it is,'" he quoted. "Exactly! Now let's go try stuff on!" They ran together to the dressing rooms. A few minutes later, Jasper and Emmett came out in matching pink and purple, frilly outfits. "Ooo! Don't we look so good Emmy?" "You bet Jaspy!" By now, everybody in the vicinity was staring at the too supposedly gay men. "I think we should buy these!" They went back to the dressing room and put their normal clothes back on. They linked arms and skipped to the checkout counter to pay for the outfits they would probably give to Alice, Bella, or Rosalie.

**Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. Carlisle**

"Engard!" Carlisle shouted as he pretended to his people with his tube of gift-wrap while running up and down aisles. "Sir," an employee came into the aisle, "I'm going to have to ask you to stop what you're doing." It was Marilyn again. "You can't make me!" "Security," Marilyn said into her walkie-talkie, "I might need you to come here." Carlisle got wide-eyed and placed the gift-wrap back on the shelf.

**Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Edward**

"This is so stupid," Edward muttered as he typed random sentences on typewriters. On the last typewriter, he typed, "When put in the right order, the typewriters tell you a secret code for a free laptop computer and an inkjet printer!" Nobody would be able to figure it out because he typed things like, "In the night, the green grass goes moo!" and "Cats in hats with bats and CHICKEN!"

**Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Alice and Bella**

Alice chose the best-dressed mannequin to rearrange. She and Bella went throughout the womens' clothing section, looking for the most hideous clothing. By the time they were done, the mannequin was wearing a lime green pencil skirt, an orange and purple striped polo, one black stiletto and one bright yellow Converse All-Star, a neon blue, fuzzy bag, and a brown baseball cap. Alice had the original outfit in her bag so she could buy it to give to Bella on Christmas.

**Attempt to fit other into very large gym bags. Rosalie**

"This bag is perfect! Rosalie got the largest bag available and went around the aisle, putting it over peoples' heads and trying to fit their bodies inside. She got yelled at once of twice by some people. At the end of her fun, Rosalie got inside of the bag with her legs sticking out the bottom and started walking around.

**Play with the automatic doors. Jasper**

He went to the front of the store and started jumping in and out of the automatic doors. 'Nuff said.

**Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. Esme**

Esma walked up to the first person she saw and started making small talk, "Hey there! I haven't seen you in so long! How've you been?" The man pretended to know her so he wouldn't be embarrassed, "Oh, I've been good, how about you?" "I've been great! Well, bye!" she walked away, leaving the man speechless.

**While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who **_**buys**_** this crap, anyway?" Rosalie**

"Who buys this crap, anyway?" Rosalie yelled as loud as she could while walking through the clothing racks. "Seriously, it's terrible!" an employee came up to her and asked her to stop. "I'm so sorry," she looked at his nametag, "uhh…Eric. Hey, didn't you used to go to Forks High?" Edward, standing nearby, heard Eric's thoughts, _"Oh my God! Rosalie Hale remembered me! Would it be weird if I asked her how Bella is doing? I think it would be. Hey, there's Edward! It wouldn't be weird if I asked him. After all, they are married. I think I'll go over and talk to him."_ Rosalie continued shouting as soon as Eric was gone.

**Make small talk with some employees. Bella and Edward**

Eric Yorkie came up to Edward, "Hey Edward, long time no see." "Yeah, small world, isn't it?" "Yep, say, is Bella here with you?" "Yeah, she's right over there with Jacob and Renesmee," he pointed them out. "Renesmee? Who's that?" Edward decided not to torture him, "She's my biological niece. We took her in after her parents died."**[AN: Not sure if that was the sama exact excuse they gave Charlie.]** Bella had walked up during the conversation without Eric noticing, "Hey Eric!" "Bella? Is that you?" "Sure is!" "Wow, you look different." "Umm…thanks?" Edward cut it, "Well, we'd better be going now." "Okay, it was nice seeing you again." "Yeah, you too."

**In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" with different sized funnels. Jasper**

"Sir, what are you doing?" an employee asked Jasper as he held funnels up to his chest. "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just practicing my Madonna look." Again, 'nuff said.

**Hug people. Bella**

"Hugs!" Bella shouted as she hugged all the teenage boys there. Edward was a safe distance away, listening in. "Hug!" Bella threw her arms around a man with blond hair that somewhat resembled Edward's hair. Edward recognized him right away by his thoughts, _"Bella is hugging me! This is the happiest moment of my entire life! Good thing Cullen isn't here to ruin it."_ It was Mike Newton. Edward let out a low growl, but Bella still heard it. Bella pushed her shield away so that she could tell Edward something, _"Edward, it's ok, I know who I was hugging. I'd bet my car that I just granted him his biggest wish."_ Bella ran over to Edward who had walked into view of Mike. When Edward knew Mike was watching, he leaned down and kissed her. His face was priceless.

**Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Esme**

Soon, everybody was slipping and sliding all over the linoleum floor because Esme moves the "Wet Floor" signs.

**Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper**

"Haha!" Emmett shouted to passersby, "We have a sexy tent and you all don't!" A teenage girl came up to their tent and asked, "Can I come in?" Edward replied, "Not unless you bring pillows from Bed and Bath." She ran off and came back later with a bunch of pillows, "Can I come in now?" "Uhh…sure," none of them really expected anybody to actually do it. The girl climbed into the tent and Emmett grabbed a pillow and smacked Edward with it. Edward grabbed another pillow and did the same. Jasper joined in. The girl, Tami, sat in the corner and watched in amazement as the three most gorgeous guys she had ever seen had a pillow fight.

**Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!" Esme and Rosalie**

"Come on Rosalie," Esme prompted, "get out here and be Robin." "Fine, but this is the stupidest thing on the entire list!" Esme jumped out of her hiding spot with a blanker draper around her shoulders. She ran around shouting, "I'm Batman! Come, Robin, to the Batcave!" while Rosalie followed in a similar getup. They ran all the way to the camping department and jumped inside the tent the earlier specified as the "Batcave." Everybody turned to stare at "Batman" and "Robin."

**TP as much of the store as possible. Carlisle**

Carlisle ran to toiletries and grabbed 10 packs of toilet paper with 20 rolls in each, that's 200 rolls of toilet paper. He grabbed the first pack and TP'd the area. Then he continued with the aisle. Then the rest of that section. Then he moved on to TP the rest of the store. All the customers were covered with toilet paper by the time he was done. Though he made sure not to TP his family. They were standing in empty corners because they knew Carlisle was working on his prank. Everybody was amused. Except the manager. He wasn't amused, nor was he very pleased with any of the Cullens/Hales, but enough about the manager, back to the action! Every inch of the store was covered in toilet paper. It's hard to believe, but Carlisle had ten packs left. He decided to leave the store, give them to hobos, and come back so he wouldn't be late for the last prank.

**Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Alice**

Like any good nuisance, Alice shouted the randomest things as she chucked everything into other aisles. There was "Land ho!" when she threw LEGOs™ "Fore!" when she threw tampons and pads. "Bacon!" when she threw car air fresheners. "Ollie, ollie, oxen free!" when she threw Barbies™ and Bratz™. And let's not forget, "867-5309!" when she threw cell phones. A couple 15-year-old boys actually called that number on their cell phones when the adult with them said, "Don't bother calling that number, it's a song by Tommy Tutone." They, sadly, put their phones back in their over-sized pants.

**Say random things into the intercom. Everybody**

All the Cullens/Hales walked, through the TP mess, over to the phone. They decided they would go by time they were turned into a vampire. Since nobody knew exactly when Alice was turned, she was between Emmett and Bella. Carlisle picked up the phone and said, "Burgerlicious turkey bombs!" He handed the phone to Jasper who said, "A bomb? We're all gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotcha!" He handed the phone to Edward, "Emo is the new cool.**[AN: I didn't think of this, whoever wrote "25 Things To Do At Walmart Cullen Style" did. At least I think that's what it was. Maybe it was 15 Whatever, back to the funnieness. At least I hope it's funny.]** He handed it to Esme, "Have any of you seen my hamster/mermaid/fairy princess/cow, Eggs?" She handed the phone to Rosalie who said, "Hey all you pretty girls, call my at 555-0129!" She handed it to Emmett, "You get the best of both worlds! Chill it out, take it slow. Then you rock out the show. You get the best of both worlds! Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds!" He handed the phone to Alice who said, "CHICKUM! CHICKUM! CHICKUM! CHICKUM IS MY FAVORITE FOOD EVER! *gasp* Carl! You're here! COOKIES!" She handed the phone to Bella who wrapped it up with, "Oh Walmart, oh Walmart, oh how I love you Target! Thank you, that will be all." The entire family ran out of the store, bursting with laughter.

Later:

Renesee and Jacob went to the Black house because Jacob had a headache from all the laughter. Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Edward, and Bella were all rolling on the floor of the living room in the Cullen house, laughing their guts out. Rosalie rolled her eyes, "You guys are still laughing at that? You retards." **[AN: Rosalie is being insulting again, I realize this. And no, she's not intentionally insulting mentally retarded people, and neither am I. I'm sorry if any mentally retarded people are reading this, or anybody who knows a mentally retarded person, and you feel offended. I'll also take this time to completely apologize for anything else in the story that you may have found offensive, it wasn't intentional. I hope you enjoyed the story. Please review.]**

After The Laughter Subsided:

Carlisle and Esme went to their room, Emmett and Rosalie went to theirs, Jasper and Alice went to theirs, and Edward and Bella went to their cottage, all for some alone time. **[I apologize if you had inappropriate thoughts because of that. I'm sorry if you thought of the inappropriate things after I apologized to the people who had them early on.]**

**I'm going to make a second chapter in a few minutes called "20 Ways To Confuse Trick-or-Treaters: Cullen Style." Also, if you thought this story was stupid, don't worry, you're not alone. I thought it was really stupid, but I wanted to write one of these, and it just so happened that it turned out really stupid. Bye byerz!**


	2. 20 Ways To Confuse Trick or Treaters

**Sorry, I know this is really late, but I just never got around to typing it up. This is pretty much the same as the other one, but it's 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-or-Treaters. Again, after BD. And no, BD does not mean Bella Dies, because if you read BD, you'd know she doesn't. BD is Breaking Dawn, smart ones! Yeah, enjoy!**

Our story begins on October 31, right before trick-or-treating was to start. "Is everybody ready?" Emmett asked. Everybody answered, "Yes, and we'll all hate you forever." "But you didn't hate me after the WalMart one! Why should Halloween be any different?" Eventually, he convinced everybody that it would be fun and that they shouldn't be so angry. Then he proceeded to threaten Jasper because he would never stop messing with their emotions.

**Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) **Not even going to bother to try and explain this one

**Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. Jasper**

_Ding-dong._ *door opens* "Trick or Treat!" Jasper jumped out from behind the door wearing a Superman costume meant for a ten-year-old, "TRICK OR TREAT!" The girls squealed and the boys rolled their eyes. Of course, you couldn't see it because of their masks. Jasper looked at the children. His look of confusion was so great because all the kids were confused as well. He started scratching his head, "Am I doing this right?" After contemplating for a moment, he reached over to grab the candy, "Just take some."

**Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. Emmett**

_Ding-dong._ *door opens* Emmett is standing there in his best suit with a briefcase labeled TOP SECRET, "It's about time, I've been waiting forever!" He shoved it into the hands of the closest child and closed the door.

**Get people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party. Everyone**

_Ding-dong_ *door opens* "Come on in!" The children walked into the Cullen house and followed Esme into the living room. The rest of the Cullens/Hales shouted, "SURPRISE!" The little shorties just screamed as they ran out.

**Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. Bella**

(I'm done saying ding-dong, you can imagine it.)

*door opens* "Oh hey! Can you all come in? I need to ask you something." It was a group of teenage boys, so they were eager. Edward, hearing their thoughts, went and put his arm around her waist. Their sad emotions were too much for Jasper, who ran away, followed by Alice. They got to the unused dishwasher that they had running just for this occasion. "Can you boys help figure out what's wrong with my dishwasher, it keeps making an unnatural whirring sound." The boys exchanged glances, "Isn't it supposed to do that?" "Oh!" Bella faked excitement, with the help of Jasper's perfect timing, "Thanks for your help! Here's your candy, by the way." They held out their pillowcases. Edward growled at their departing thoughts, _"She was hot! Too bad that freak was there." "After all that we did for her, the least she could've given us was her number!" "Jeez! What was that dude's problem? Just because he's got a freaking hot girlfriend!..."_ He resisted the urge to murder them on the spot.

**After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. Edward**

"Here's your candy, and here's your bill." He handed them a piece of paper that said BILL at the top in fancy script. At the bottom, there was an obscene amount of money listed. They turned around and walked away. "Okay! I'll put it on your tabs!"

**Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. Alice**

"Trick or Treat!" A giant fish answered the door. Alice fell to the floor and acted dead. One girl poked her with her fairy wand. After a while, they got bored and walked away.

**When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" Rosalie**

"Trick or Treat!" Rosalie grabbed one candy bar out of the bowl and waved it in front of their faces. Then, she threw it out into the yard, "Crawl for it!" Only one person went out to get it. The rest walked away, thinking, _"Crazy chick."_

**When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. Esme**

"Trick or Tr-!" *screams* Esme started running around the house, leaving the door open. She waited until they all left to return and close the door.

**Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. Jasper**

"Drop and give me ten, or no candy for you!" Jasper shouted at them, dressed in sweats, with a whistle around his neck. Only a few got through all ten. Most gave up at seven. They all got candy anyway, because Coach Jasper was feeling nice. He blew kisses to all of them as they walked away. It was later discovered that Emmett and Rosalie had moved to the couch and started "trying to eat each other's faces."

**Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. Edward and Bella**

"Hello, and welcome to Cullen's Place. I'm Bella and I'm your hostess. This is your server, Edward." Edward handed them all menus and asked what kinds of candy they would like. Both of them kept asking, "Would you like to see our wine list?" They left right away, after getting their candy.

**Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. Emmett**

After they searched and searched for a catapult in stores and on eBay, Emmett was armed with the perfect one and thirty pumpkins. When the first kids walked up, he launched a pumpkin, careful not to aim at one of them. They immediately walked back the way they came. This went on for ten minutes. Afterwards, Emmett had to clean the driveway.

**When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. Bella**

The kids kept ringing the doorbell. After it rang 20 times, Bella crashed through the window of a spare bedroom at the front of the house. She ran at a very fast human pace into the surrounding trees. Under the cover of darkness, she looked back and waited for them to go away. For a while they just stared at the window and where she disappeared into the trees. They got bored and walked away.

**Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. Rosalie**

Rosalie answered the door clad in a classic pilgrim dress and bonnet. "Trick or Treat?" they hadn't quite taken in her appearance yet. She took in theirs, walked into the house and came back with a calendar. She was flipping through it. Finally, she said, "Oh! I got the wrong month! Come back later and we'll have candy." And so they did. This time, Rosalie had a proper costume, Little Red Riding Hood. Well, it wasn't really proper since the dress stopped mid-thigh and it was low-cut, but you get the idea, it was better than the pilgrim. Edward told Emmett their thoughts and he walked to the door in his wolf costume.**[That's really funny because of the whole vamps vs. wolfies thing.]** Yadda, yadda, yadda…

**Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. Alice**

"Trick or Treat!" "Hey kids! Here are your eggs!" Alice began to put painted eggs into their bags. "What are these for?" "Oh, they're all I had left over from Easter, but they're still good! And don't worry about them breaking, to be honest, they're wooden." About five minutes after she closed the door, Alice saw a few wooden eggs crash through the front windows.

**Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. Carlisle**

I don't have two hours of dentist lingo so I'm going to skip this one.

**Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. (This one is my favorite.) Emmett**

"Trick or Treat!" Emmett stood there with handfuls of candy. He had Jacob bite them to make it authentic. Jasper threw waves of surprise and shock at him. He closed the door. After a few seconds, he opened it back up and said, "I'm sorry, we don't have any candy."

**Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. Esme**

We don't need to get into this one.

**Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. Jasper**

The trick-or-treaters walked up to the porch, where Jasper was waiting. "Trick of Treat!" Jasper smiled that dazzling, amazing, gorgeous, sexy-mazing, **[You can tell by now which Cullen I like!]** beautiful smile of his, "You can have your candy, but first, you have to bow to King Pumpykins!" Because they wanted the candy, a few of the kids bowed to the pumpkin sitting on the "throne" with the paper crown on its "head." The rest of them just walked away, thinking, _"What is it with this house and crazy people?"_

**Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished. Edward**

I don't really want to do this one, so I won't.

**I hope you loved it!!! If you didn't, eh. If you hated it, poo on you! Sorry for all of the ones I either didn't want to get into, couldn't, or just didn't want to do that you wanted to read about. If you want to know how that would play out that badly, write one yourself.**

**RACHEL OUT!**


	3. 5 Things Victoria's Secret Cullen Style

**Hey readers, it's been a while. I found this, thought it was funny, and immediately thought of Emmett, so he's doing these with Carlisle, Edward, Jasper, and Jacob. The girls don't know though, they think they're serious. How shall this train wreck end? Before hand, I'd like you to know that there were originally 10, not 5, but they were too inappropriate so I took them out. SO, without further ado, here is "5 Things A Man Should Never Say In Victoria's Secret." Keep in mind that I've never actually been to Victoria's Secret. For what purpose would I need to? I'm only 13-freaking-years-old! What do you think we do these days? You have sick minds people, very sick. WARNING: This is not appropriate for the youngins, for it hints about "the naughty thing" that grown-ups do sometimes.**

"Guys!" Emmett called while the women were shopping. 3 vampires and a werewolf appeared in the room before him. "What is it this time Emmett?" "You know how the girls are dragging us to Victoria's Secret tomorrow?" "Yeah?" "Well, I think we should have some fun," he pointed to the computer screen. They all looked at each other and smiled.

**Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? Jasper**

Alice and Jasper were walking through the aisles when Jasper saw a matching bra and thong with a Philadelphia Eagles logo on it. He brought it to a passing employee, "Excuse me miss, but do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?" She simply shook her head and walked away. Jasper muttered to himself, "Damn Yankees."

**Will you model this for me? Emmett**

Emmett, being the perv he is, grabbed a thong off the rack, walked up to a random woman, and asked, "Excuse me miss, can you model this for me?" Rosalie walked over, slapped him, and apologized to the woman. She just winked at Emmett and said, "No problem."

**Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! Carlisle**

Esme picked up something that was exactly her size, but nevertheless, Carlisle looked at the size and exclaimed, "Oh Esme honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!" She shot him a dirty look and put it in the cart anyway. He continued this until they got to the counter and Esme bought everything. After they paid, she slapped Carlisle across the face so hard that if you looked very, very, very, very, very, very, very close, under a microscope, you could very faintly see a red mark on his flawless vampire skin.

**150 bucks?? You're just gonna end up **_**naked**_** anyway!! Edward**

Halfway through shopping, Edward decided to look at the price tags on the things Bella held. Most of them were very reasonable, but there's always one. The price tag had a big red mark on it, meaning it was on sale, but the sale price was still $150! He confronted Bella, "150 bucks?? You're just gonna end up _naked_ anyway!!" If Bella could blush, she'd be redder than a tomato, "I know that, but I'm saving this for one of those rare nights when you're mad at me and I don't have anything to do!" Without another word about it, Edward walked around the store for the remainder of the shopping trip.

**The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! Jacob**

Jacob and Nessie were looking through the aisles when Jacob saw The Miracle Push-Up **[A/N: Is that what it's called? I haven't seen the commercials in forever.]**. His jaw dropped, "Nester, what is this?" "Jake, that's the new bra, The Miracle Push-Up." "The Miracle What???" "Push-Up." "Oh my God, you need to get that!" "Why?" "Because this is better than world peace!!" "Shut up Jacob, people are staring!" "But this is like the mother of all bras! You have to buy it!" Nessie slapped him, "Shut up or I won't!" she threatened. Jacob immediately stopped talking.

**Yeah, I know, this was stupid and really immature. You don't need to tell me in the reviews. Or you could. A review is a review, isn't it? I'd just like to say, I don't delete any reviews. Whether it's just creepy fan stuff, good or bad criticism, or flame, I'll keep it up because I like to take in your comments on my writing. I guess in some ways, I'm just like Dominos. Or was that Pizza Hut? Maybe Papa Johns? Whatever, I'll remember it in an hour anyway. Bye now!**

**- **

**P.S. Don't worry, the next one will be appropriate for the little ones….I hope.**


	4. Things Characters Would Never Say

**Hello Internet, it's been a while. There isn't a number for this one because I'm too lazy to count them. Without further ado, Things Twilight Characters Would Never Say!**

Bella: I'm dying.

Edward: Carlisle, what should we do?

Carlisle: Ah, just let her die.

Edward: Bella, where's my body glitter?

Bella: C'mon Edward, let's go to prom!

Bella and Edward are watching Harry Potter 4.

Bella: Wow, that Cedric guy is hot!

Edward: How can you say that? He's butt ugly!

Edward: My body glitter brings all the boys to the yard.

Carlisle: Silence, I kill you!

Alice: Didn't see that one coming!

Emmett: Ow.

Rosalie: I'm so ugly!

Edward: (singing) Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Like a virgin. When your heart beats, next to mine!

Bella: Edward, I've got something to tell you.

Edward: What is it, love?

Bella: I'm leaving you for Mike Newton. We're going to get married and have a son named Fig.

Edward: Bella, I can read your mind.

Edward: Bella, Jacob and I are having an affair.

Bella: I won the dance contest!

Bella: EDWARD! YOUR DEMON CHILD IS PUTTING INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS ABOUT JACOB IN MY HEAD!

Edward: Oh sure, when she's doing something bad, she's _my_ demon child.

Bella: What was that, bitch?

Edward: Nothing dear, nothing.

Bella: You bet your balls it was nothing!

Bella: Alice, where did you get these clothes?

Alice: Goodwill.

Edward: Bella, you're the only person I love because I _don't_ have to hear your annoying thoughts.

Aro: Let's have a sex-ed lesson for Jane and Alec!

Jane: :o

Alec: o.O

Carlisle: My job is to cut people up with little saws.

Jacob: Hey Emmett, did you see Rosalie in that new dress? (howls)

Rosalie: I love you, Jacob!

Jacob: No, _I_ love _you!_

Rosalie: I love you more!

Jacob: No, _I_ love _you_ more!

**I might post some more some other time, but for now I'm about to go to my friend's sleepover/burffdayyy party. Peace out muh peeps! \/**


	5. Things Characters Would Never Say Part 2

**I'm back with more things they'd never say. This will be the last chapter of this before I go on vacation.**

Emmett: Alice, how did you beat me at arm-wrestling?

(Edward walks in on Emmett trying on some of Rose's clothes)

Edward: o.O I'll never be able to un-see that!

Emmett: I have needs!

Edward: Ness, Jacob pictured your mom naked. Loads of times.

Jacob: Who let the dogs out?

Edward: I'M OUT OF BODY GLITTER! TO THE PANIC ROOM!

Edward: Just a small town boy, born and raised in south Detroit!

Bella: I'm thirsty. Nessie, come here!

Rosalie: Sorry Emmett, I'm leaving you. Nick Jonas is just to die for!

Emmett: It's alright, I'm leaving you for Joe. =)

Bella: (approaches Charlie with bib and fork) Mmmm, dinner time!

Rosalie: I wish I was as handsome as Edward.

Emmett: Rose, you're a girl.

Rosalie: Oh, *cough* right...

Carlisle: Screw vampires, let's be pirates!

Bella: Charlie, this is my motorcycle I built with Jacob.

Charlie: This is yours?

Bella: Yeah, are you mad?

Charlie: Hell yes! This thing is crap! Let me buy you a new one.

Jacob: Let's go for a walk.

Bella: Sure, I'll get your leash.

Edward: (looks in mirror) Like, OMG, I totally need a tan!

Edward: Where are you from?

Bella: In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground was where I spent most of my days...

Emmett: I'm scared. HOLD ME!

Bella: We should, like, go shopping, like, all day!

Alice: No Bella, let's go to the library and read!

**I hope you liked those. I might do another one, it depends on if I think any more are funny. Also, this might be the last chapter before I go on vacation.**

**Peace, Love, Twilight**


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